why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
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No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.