Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
My beach vacation Google searches
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.