Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
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Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
🙂🐾
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?