Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
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They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?