Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
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Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them