[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
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All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Only Americans understand
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
What about second breakfast?
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know