“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
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me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Basically.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too