you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
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Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it