*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
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So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it: