Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
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You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.