Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
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Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Realize this:
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.