Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
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*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
as is their right
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
I identify as an antique shop.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t