[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
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Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
how to market bottled water to dads
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.