stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
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boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
2023 was just a warmup
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU