just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
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If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.