Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
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If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”