What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
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A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.