Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
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[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
that wasn’t the question
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?