“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
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Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats