There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
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who wore it better?
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*