burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
You Might Also Like
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere