Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
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Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.