11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
You Might Also Like
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.