[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
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I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Sing it!
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’