Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
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bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges