I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
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My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone