SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
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The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
worst…sale…ever
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.