Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
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Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave