Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
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Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
That 👊
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?