Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
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Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason