why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
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Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.