I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
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[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.