Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
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My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
🔦🌙👣
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
the composer
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?