therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
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Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
he looks great for his age
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope