Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
omg leave her alone
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety