Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
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Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.