So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
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[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message