Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
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[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free