As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
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Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
#MeanwhileInCanada
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
This has made my week.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers