ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
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My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo