Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
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The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
what could possibly go wrong?
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.