Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
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Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
My new favorite headline
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
These work great until they don’t.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”