Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
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Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”