“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
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[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names