Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
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The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.