I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
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Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!