I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
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My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
live, laugh, laundry.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Mornin
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”