DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
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“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.