Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
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Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy