I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
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[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Terribly Tuesday.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]